This Sucks

You’ve probably seen various mashups using famous artworks and everyday items. A Van Gogh self-portrait with sunglasses. Napoleon on a motocross bike instead of a rearing white stallion. Michelangelo’s David wearing surfer shorts while cradling a surfboard. Manet’s A Bar at the Folies-Bergère with some bottles of Coke on the bar beside the assorted wines and champagnes (okay, I made that one up, too, but I’m surprised Coca-Cola hasn’t thought of it already).

This got me to thinking about really simple items we use frequently to which we rarely give a second thought. Napkins, toothpicks, cups, straws ….

Okay: what about straws?

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Archeologists believe the first drinking straws were invented by the Sumerians in 2000-3000BCE. One found in a tomb, likely used for drinking beer, was fashioned of gold inlaid with lapis-lazuli. Not biodegradable. Which makes it perfect for today’s ecology-conscious drinkers. A tad expensive, though. I reckon Bill Gates or Elon Musk could afford a boxful, but such ostentatiousness is more to the taste of Russian oligarchs, I suspect.

For a long time a hard-sipping humanity had to survive with paper straws that suffered from saturation and collapse. Somehow, the species survived. Despite what some folks may think, the now odious and often outlawed plastic straw didn’t arrive until the 1960s. It did not take long for people to realize that dumping billions and billions of non-biodegradable plastic tubes into the trash was not a good way to ensure the health of the environment. So we are now in the process of completely banning plastic straws, particularly in the food-service industry. My wife and I favor the use of straws made of stainless steel. Inexpensive, endlessly reusable, and drinks drawn upward through them stay colder or hotter, depending on your beverage choice of the moment.

Which has what to do with art?

Well, in an idle moment (with which I am afflicted more and more as time goes by) I found myself wondering what certain masterpieces might look like if an object like a simple straw was inserted into the composition. A portrait by Picasso would look right at home with one end of a steel straw placed next to a figure’s mouth (or the nearest line that might be considered a mouth—one can never be sure with Picasso).

Instead of holding swords, various famous figures from the history of art could be holding straws. Make drinks, not war. Straws could substitute for pens, rendering a multitude of portraits far more homey. All those pudgy cupids with horrible BMI festooning innumerable paintings could be shown preparing to fire straws instead of arrows. I never got the whole cupid-firing-arrows thing. It’s supposed to symbolize love, but to me it all reeks of juvenile violence. Shooting straws takes us back to elementary school, where characters of cupidian age belong anyway. Most of the women I know (okay, knew — that time-going-by business again) would much rather have been hit with something suggestive of a root-beer float than a medieval conflict.

Anyway, it’s not paper straws that are used to make spitballs (do kids still make and fire spitballs these days, or are such assaults all carried out on phones? Is there such a thing as a cybernetic spitball?) Those were made from the paper wrapping, added to ensure that the straw remained sanitary prior to use. Reusable straws dispense with the wrapping, since the idea is to use the straw over and over till it wears out. An issue with fancy plastic straws; not so much with stainless steel.

My ultimate vision is of the Mona Lisa sipping something through a straw. And why not? Da Vinci could have been using one while painting: he was immensely fond of wine, and in fact had his own vineyard. With a straw, he could have been drinking without having to set aside brush or paints. Her mouth and lips are perfectly positioned to be holding a straw as she sips from a glass held in folded hands. If it doesn’t pain you too much, squint and try to envision such a fanciful reworking. Leonardo guzzling softly as he paints the portrait, while Lisa Gheradini takes a break from posing for her portrait to delicately sip some favorite vino through a long straw. Just because Leo chose not to include the straw does not mean it was not present.

AI will allow us to easily insert straws into pretty much every portrait ever painted. A cosmos of straws. One might even say that including a straw in every portrait, whether painted, photographic, sculpture or any medium, could help define our humanity (okay, maybe not).

Myself, I’d like to try that gold-and-lapis Sumerian straw. If only to see if it keeps that root-beer float colder.